[memories]

and then your weatherwise heart foretold of gusty winds and sodden skies.
but you did not know about my little silver boat...
the one i climb in during storms,
the one that carries me through and lands me on dry shore,
on mountaintops. [m.duval]

the memories i hold near and dear of my mom carry me through - not a day goes by that i don't think of her. i often find myself reaching for the phone to call her. to tell her something funny or share a story about annie. in these fleeting moments i am often left with such a sense of sadness that it takes my breath away. but then, all at once i remember. i remember how lucky am i that i have such good memories of my mom. nobody can take that away from me. she would be very happy to know that i still laugh at the silly things, that i fold my towels the way she did, that i make that noodle dish she used to make when i was a kid. i could have spent this 5th anniversary of losing her with sorrow in my heart, and sure i've had a few "sad" moments, but for the first time the good inside far outweighs the bad, the memories offer me comfort. i have to remember what annie, the wise 4 year old annie told me this morning. "mamma, you have nana in your heart and you also have a lot of pictures".

indeed. i do.

i love you mom. xo
[audrey ann degnen manion 28 september 1928 - 27 may 2005]

[a lime slice] - hidden in a drawer.

[mom + me - circa 1960something]

after losing my darling mom in 2005 i was immediately thrown into that moment in life i had always dreaded....mom is gone, what do i do now? i had just found out i was pregnant with my daughter annie and feeling a bit sorry for myself that i didn't have my mom to show me the way. all i wanted to do (and i did) was stand in her closet and bury my head in her soft sweaters and dresses that hung there, never to be worn again. i breathed deeply, trying to capture her scent. i am sure i "sniffed" every single item that hung there. my eyes closed tightly just so i could remember....her. i did the same with every bottle of perfume, every winter scarf, i held her purses knowing that her hands had held them too. when my mom was in the hospital i remember going to sleep holding the sweater she had just worn the day of her stroke. i often remembered putting on her pretty coats as a child and closing my eyes and inhaling deeply, because it was her. that familiar smell of mom. such a comforting smell. i remember my niece emily smelling freshly laundered clothes and announcing "this smells like nana's house"! aromatherapy...so very powerful.
i fear i have lost that scent of my mother. sure i can still smell a bottle of her perfume and i remember watching her as she would get ready to go out to dinner with my dad - i'd sit in the bathroom and watch her apply her makeup and brush her hair, carefully outlining her lips with a pretty shade of pink. but holding an article of clothing that she once wore, that intimate smell of mom is gone.
i remember going through my mom's dresser after she died. i felt horrible touching her things. it wasn't right. on so many levels it wasn't right. but there, buried deep in the back of her dresser was a little note that i had given to her when i was in grade school. she kept it all these years. i remember she and my dad were leaving on a trip to france and i had left her a note in her suitcase wishing her safe travels. and perhaps that was her way of keeping my scent with her, my childish handwriting in pencil. tucked away in the far back of her private things. a little piece of me. and i was so grateful and overwhelmed and thrilled and elated and so proud that my mother had thought enough of me to keep such a little trivial thing. that my words had meant something to her. it's a moment i often relive when i miss her so much i can hardly breathe and it helps me. it helps me be a better mother to annie. to realize that every little crumpled piece of paper my daughter hands me is a special little treasure. her little scent, left for me.
it's a privilege to be a mother. it's a privilege to be a daughter.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you.
xo

[don't let's ask for the moon... we have the stars,"]

one of those lines that you never ever forget. the one line that stays with you long after the movie is over. the line that can make you cry your heart out. just sit down and cry your heart out.
yep, that was me last night. watching "now, voyager" starring bette davis, paul henreid and claude rains. crying my heart out as the screen faded to black and the music score by max steiner plays. bil and annie sound asleep on the couch. they obviously couldn't make it through the flick.
oh what a flick it is. one of my all time favs. of course, to me, anything starring bette davis is an all time fav.
1942, fabulous clothes. seriously, the.best.clothes.ever. and the famous cigarette scenes. where paul henreid [he plays jeremiah duvaux durrance, the handsome architect from rio]lights two cigarettes and gives one to charlotte vale or lights her cigarette while he is just looking so deeply at her. charlotte the once dowdy shy girl from Boston. oh it's enough to make me want to wear a hat and gloves and take up smoking.
i love this movie for so many reasons. mostly the memories it gives me. my mom and i always snuggled up and watched a good bette davis movie. mom turned me on to every single bette davis movie ever made. we loved the film noir movies too - rebecca, laura, -if you haven't seen rebecca or laura stop everything immediately and find them. a.maz.ing.
so i guess my little session last night of crying my heart out was the fantastic movie ending mixed with the memory of my mom and how much i miss her. sometimes it hits me like a freight train. guess it will never change. there's an empty hole in my world without her. and when i watched now, voyager - where the mother was so mean and controlling and horrid to her daughter, i remember how wonderful my mother was to me, so encouraging of being able to do anything i wanted in my life always. how i want my own daughter to know that.

anyway....a moment. a crying my heart out moment. but one of the best movies.



the untold want by life and land ne'er granted, now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find." walt whitman

{like a river}

I'll wait no more for you like a daughter
That part of our life together is over
But I will wait for you, forever
Like a river...

In the river I know I will find the key
And your voice will rise like spray
In the moment of knowing
The tide will wash away my doubts

'Cause you're already home
Making it nice for when I come
Like the way I find my bed turned down
Coming in from a late night out

Please keep reminding me
Of what in my soul I know is true
Come in my boat, there is a seat beside me
And two or three stars we can gaze into

I'll wait no more for you like a daughter
That part of our life together is over
But I will wait for you forever
Like a river...
{c. simon}



i will always be grateful for being your daughter. four years ago today you got your wings and flew away. i miss you mom ... forever and one day. xo




{various photographs that remind me of my mom}