[thoughts at 12:47am] | life - above.beyond

 

i remember starting a journal when i was in high school and then again after i graduated college. but it didn't last. i always wrote as if someone was looking over my shoulder reading my words. so it wasn't really my truth, just a prettied up version of the truth for the eyes that i was convinced would read it. silly. i look back and wish i had with honesty and integrity written the thoughts of my 17th year and my 22nd year and my 34th year. i know i've changed, but to what degree? i still have the thoughts i had when i was 23 and i still listen to the same music when i was 28 and i read the same magazines i did when i was 36. and writing these numbers down and knowing i am well beyond them is sort of freaking me out! but regardless. i wish i was true to myself and not worry about what others thought but respectfully danced to my own tune. like patti smith. i adore patti smith. her poetry is so beautiful, her imagery with words is haunting and delightful and well, she's just plain cool. i like that she doesn't give a shit that her hair isn't combed perfectly in place and she doesn't wear lip gloss. i like that she isn't really aware that her hair isn't combed because she's too busy being herself. so articulate and insightful and genuine. i would love to spend the day with her. drinking tea and shooting and talking about birthing babies and how our parents influenced our lives and prayers and food and men and new york in the 70s. to be part of the beginning of all that. i can't imagine how wonderful that would be.  robert mappelthorpe and sam shepherd. all mingling in your world just doing their thing. i greatly admire this woman. she's the real deal. a true artist. humble and pure. happy in her life. but most of all happy in her own skin. there is much to be learned. i'm sure i was too busy admiring chrissie hynde and her coolness (and chrissie is very cool) to really be into what patti smith was and is all about. i admit i am discovering her beauty right now. and i think it has come at a very good time. the transition of my life as i approach yet another decade. i am ready to spread my wings and fly and i want some change. an infusion of meg is brewing away. i don't want to look back and think, crap, why didn't i just do it. and honestly, i don't even know what IT really is, i just know that it's there. i feel it's heartbeat and take it's temperature and keep it quiet and i'm tired of doing all that. the brink of discovery. just kids is a beautifully written book. a must read. and i enjoyed this interview tonight while annie sleeps beside me. savoring this moment. again.  i guess that's just where i'm at. wherever that may be. 12:47am 19 may 2012.